Heartbeat
by FugitiveJuliana
Summary: My take on how Bosco and Faith solved their problems in the sixth season.


Title: Heartbeat

Spoilers: everything up to Kingpin Rising if that can still be considered spoilers.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, as sad as that sounds.

Faith sat in front of her tv and flipped over the channels. She couldn't believe there was nothing to watch on a Saturday evening. Just when she was about to vent her frustration verbally she heard a knock on the door. She got up and went to see who it was.

It was Bosco who stood motionless in front of her as she opened the door. Surprised to see him she didn't know what to say so she just moved aside to let him in.

"You alone?" he asked when he saw there was no one in the living room.

"Emily's in her room doing her homework."

Faith felt awkward and the knowledge that she shouldn't feel that way after all the years they'd been together and after all they'd gone through made her feel even worse.

"Sit down. You want something to drink?" she asked to break the uncomfortable silence.

He shook his head and went to the couch.

"No, I'll go in a minute. I just needed to tell you something."

She observed him sit down. His words scared her. His tiredness and a tinge of sadness made her heart wrench.

When he turned to look at her she finally moved to his side on the couch. He didn't even take off his jacket. He sat quietly for a while, his arms leaning against his knees.

Faith felt her heart beat quicker in anticipation. She noticed he was nervous too.

"I don't really know where to start, you know. There's so much to say and I feel like I have to say it all at once so you'd understand."

She knew by now this was going to be big. And she dreaded it. She just prayed Em wouldn't come out of her room till it's over.

"Just start somewhere and I'll follow you," she encouraged him with a little smile.

He was rocking slightly back and forth on the couch, playing with his fingers.

"I'm sorry about what I said when I asked you to shoot for me, Faith. I never meant it, I was just terrified I'd never get back on the force. It was enough I'd lost half a year of my life and I just couldn't imagine not being a cop again. You know? I though the only way to ever recover was to get back to work and to forget everything."

"It's ok, Bosco …"

"No, it's not ok, Faith. And you know it. You didn't deserve that. Especially 'cause it wasn't true, I only said it to hurt you. I didn't want to be the only one hurting, I didn't want to be alone. So I wanted to drag you with me. As always," he added in a bitter tone.

She put her hand on his shoulder and wanted to say something to tell him she understood but he wouldn't let her.

"What you did … killing Mann. You risked everything, losing your job, your kids, freedom, everything. For me. And I accused you of not wanting to shoot for me." He shook his head, a bitter smile on his lips. 

Faith didn't want to see him like this. But she knew he had to get it out, she had to let him speak just as she had to let him speak years ago in that same living room. Only then things could change and maybe get better. But right now she suffered more than he knew. 

"You'd taken that shot for me months ago. I had no right to ask you to shoot again."

"You didn't even know, Bosco."

"It doesn't matter, I had no right."

After a pause he continued.

"The risk you took was far greater than mine. Even if I died that day in the hospital … That wouldn't be that bad. I mean … I'm not saying I have a death wish or somethin' or that I'd be willing to die just for anybody. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes giving your life for someone isn't the hardest thing to do. Sometimes it's harder to live for someone than to die for someone. I'll never be able to repay you what you did that day for me, Faith."

"At that moment I wasn't thinking about what it would mean for me and my kids. All I saw was your lifeless body and the thought that he'd killed you. I had to kill him. Prison was not enough, especially since he'd get out in no time. It was pure revenge. And it scared me, you know. To see what I'm capable of when I lose control."

He was looking at her, his pain visible in his eyes. He understood what it did to her and he would've done anything to take it back or at least to make it possible for her to forget.

But she didn't want to forget. Killing Mann didn't just scare her, it also forced her to think. At first she didn't want to remember but with time she realized why she did it. It put things into perspective. She saw her life differently.

"You know Fred had left me the day Mickey …"

He nodded before she could finish the sentence.

"When I read his message and saw him and the kids gone I thought my world, my whole life was falling apart. I was devastated, angry even. I couldn't imagine how I would be able to live without my kids. I just couldn't. And then at the hospital … when you got shot, when I called your name and you didn't answer and then I saw your limp hand around my waist … All that blood covering your body …"

Her hands started to shake and her eyes filled with tears.

"Faith …"

She shook her head. She needed to get it all out, too. He couldn't stop her.

"When you stopped breathing I wasn't devastated or angry, I wasn't even sad. Because it was like I didn't even exist. Everything stopped, I didn't hear the shooting around me, I couldn't feel anything. For a moment I sank into oblivion with you, my life ended. The need to try and help you brought me back to life and only then came anger and the fear of losing you. And the need to avenge you. Not for one moment have I regretted killing Mann."

She wiped her tears from her cheeks. Bosco sat petrified, staring at her. He was at a loss for words. Faith even managed a little smile. She felt lighter now that he knew. And she had to convince him to get rid of his burden, too.

Bosco looked away. He was now staring at the floor.

"Sometimes I'm disgusted with myself. I screwed a lot of things in my life. But with you … I screwed this big time."

"No, you didn't. We can't agree about everything, it's natural we fight sometimes. Besides things sometimes just happen without us wanting them to happen. It's ok."

"It's not ok and it hasn't been ok for a very long time. This was all Cruz's fault. No, I didn't mean it like that. It was my fault. Everything was my fault. It just started with Cruz. She never forced me into anything. I followed her willingly, the moron that I am."

"Bos, we can't control what we feel in our hearts."

He looked at her in a weird way.

"Heart? My heart had nothing to do with it."

Faith couldn't fully believe him. She almost jumped with surprise when he grabbed her hand from her knee where it rested and pressed her palm on his chest, right over his heart.

"You feel it? You feel what you do to me? My heartbeat quickens when you're in danger and you need my help, or when you just smile at me and I know you're happy, when I see you with your kids, and in the morning when I wake up and I know I'll see you at work. This heart beats for you. I'd do anything for you, I want you to know that. And I'm truly sorry for all the times that I've hurt you. I never wanted to. You're my best friend, my only friend, Faith."

The look in his eyes was almost pleading but she didn't understand why. He didn't have to plead her to be his friend; he should know that. That's all she'd ever wanted. That and to get his friendship in return.

"Thank you, Bos. You're my best friend too and I don't want that to change. Ever. But I don't want to lose you again. And as long as your heart beats I don't care who it beats for even if it's not for me. Because when your heart stopped at the hospital, I swear mine did too for a moment."

She still kept her hand over his heart and his hand was covering hers. She smiled at him. Bosco's face wasn't so tense anymore. His lips almost started to form his first smile since he entered her apartment that evening. 

"You can't imagine what a nice feeling it is to feel your heart beat and hear you breathe and feel the warmth of your body, Bos. I've never felt anything more calming and reassuring as that."

When she saw his eyes smile she leaned forward and embraced him. He pulled her close with his hands around her waist and she caressed the back of his head with her right hand. They were ok now. She knew that without asking and he did too.

When they finally pulled apart she placed a light kiss to his temple and he captured her hand in his.

"I'll go and see a doctor about my eyes. I promise."

She nodded.

"I can go with you if you want me to."

The smile on his face was growing bigger.

"That'd be nice."

He started to pull his jacket off his shoulders.

"It's getting hot in here."

"How about a beer?"

He leaned back into the couch and nodded.

"Is there anything on worth watching?" he asked when he picked up the remote.

"I don't know," she answered when she went towards the kitchen.

When she opened the fridge she heard some movement behind her and she turned around.

"Is it ok for me to come out now?" Emily asked tentatively.

Faith almost laughed at her question and Emily already knew by the look on her mother's face that it was ok.

"Yeah, sweetie, it's ok." She hugged her and then pushed her towards the living room.

"Hi, Bosco," she greeted him.

"Hi yourself," he smiled back. 

When he took the bottle of beer from Faith before she sat down next to him it seemed as if the events of the past year never took place. His face didn't show any of the hurt and suffering he was experiencing before. His heart didn't either.

4

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